


Motherly Woes

by Em_The_Anxious_Dragon



Series: Clans of Norway [8]
Category: Warriors - Erin Hunter
Genre: CliffClan - Freeform, F/M, Forbidden Love, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Intrusive Thoughts, Pregnancy, PuffinClan, Wedding Night, but not really it's an intrusive thought
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-21 07:07:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30018003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Em_The_Anxious_Dragon/pseuds/Em_The_Anxious_Dragon
Summary: "May your lives be long and equal. May your kits be healthy and prosperous. May you honor PuffinClan and CliffClan with your bond. I declare you mates.”In which Brownleap asks Martenpaw for a favor and Avocetcloud thinks.
Series: Clans of Norway [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2140815
Kudos: 1





	Motherly Woes

**Author's Note:**

> August 30, the New Moon.

“Feel the belly carefully, Martenpaw,” Hailbranch warned. “You don’t want to squish the kits, we’re just trying to feel them.” Martenpaw carefully pushed into Brownleap’s stomach. It had grown to a smooth bump since the Gathering. Avocetcloud watched quietly from the other side of the nursery as her kits suckled.

“Can you really feel them?” Brownleap asked, carefully watching Martenpaw.

“Don’t move too much,” Hailbranch huffed, gently pushing Brownleap’s head down.

“I feel something!” Martenpaw gasped. She jumped back. “I could feel one of them moving!”

“I didn’t feel anything, how many are there?” Brownleap stammered.

“We can’t tell that yet,” Hailbranch snapped. She waved a tail over Brownleap’s belly. “Martenpaw, do you see how Brownleap’s belly looks like it could nurse kits? Along with the size, this means she’s around a moon pregnant. Is that right?”

“That would make sense,” Brownleap muttered, staring at the den wall.

“Are you feeling any discomfort?” Hailbranch asked. Brownleap shook her head. Avocetcloud groomed Pochardkit’s head. The tiny kit mewed loudly and squished her face tight, squirming away from Avocetcloud.

“Did I hurt you?” Avocetcloud asked, sniffing Pochardkit. Martenpaw moved closer, watching the runt of the litter mew. Her eyes peeled open. Two big blue eyes squinted in the soft nursery light. Pochardkit carefully watched her mother.

“Hailbranch, Pochardkit opened her eyes!” Martenpaw laughed, leaning close to the kit. “Hi there!” Pochardkit meowed and batted Martenpaw’s nose.

“She can’t hear you yet,” Hailbranch sighed, joining her apprentice. “Her ears won’t open for a few more days.” Pochardkit crawled back to her sisters. She sniffed them, putting a face to the scents she had slept beside for the past half moon. Avocetcloud watched it all with a stunted smile. One of her children could see, she should be excited. The others would soon follow.

“She’s definitely not blind,” Hailbranch noted. “Keep an eye out for the other two, make sure they see well when they open their eyes. Come, Martenpaw.” Martenpaw dutifully followed her mentor out of the nursery, leaving the queens to their thoughts.

“I’m looking forward to having kits of my own,” Brownleap admitted, licking her belly. “You are lucky, though. Fidgetflower is a great father. He was meant for it, it’s in the name.” Brownleap stared out the nursery at her clanmates going about their day. “I can’t say I don’t have regrets.”

“Every mother does,” Avocetcloud grumbled. Pochardkit wouldn’t stop staring at her. Avocetcloud tried to ignore her in favor of the younger queen. “I guess if you have another litter, it will be with a clan cat.” Brownleap flattened her ears. “There’s no offense meant. Mollies have kits with loners, it’s part of life. Otherwise we would have generations mating over and over and birthing sickly kits.”

“Of course,” Brownleap muttered. Milkkit squealed, kneading Avocetcloud’s stomach.

“You’re sucking me dry!” Avocetcloud groaned, stretching her back legs.

“You picked a good name for that one,” Brownleap chuckled. A tom’s scent drifted into the nursery. Both queens looked up. Fidgetflower stepped into the nursery with a bat in his jaws, purring softly. He dropped the bat by Avocetcloud and nuzzled her ear.

“Lightpaw is proving to be an expert hunter,” Fidgetflower said. “She caught this bat.”

“My favorite, thank you,” Avocetcloud sighed.

“Fidgetflower, look at Pochardkit,” Brownleap whispered, smiling. Fidgetflower met his daughter’s eyes. Then he realized  _ he was meeting his daughter’s eyes. _

“She’s opened her eyes!” Fidgetflower squealed, dropping to Pochardkit’s level. Pochardkit squealed and stumbled towards her father. “She recognizes me! How long ago did this happen?”

“Just before you came in,” Brownleap explained. Pochardkit walked into Fidgetflower’s chest and curled beside his leg. Fidgetflower seemed ready to explode with joy. His purrs echoed through the den as he licked his beautiful daughter. Milkkit mewed and stopped nursing. She turned to her father, nose twitching. Fidgetflower gasped as her face twitched.

“Come on, Milkkit, you can do it!” Fidgetflower cheered softly. Milkkit yawned, and her eyes blinked open. They were a light blue, completely focused on Fidgetflower. He pulled his daughter in close and nuzzled her. Milkkit climbed on top of Pochardkit and settled down, despite her sister’s protests.

“Yes, please, go to sleep,” Avocetcloud groaned as Perchkit stopped suckling. Avocetcloud devoured her bat as her children drifted to sleep.

“I’m not moving anytime soon,” Fidgetflower giggled. Milkkit was half on Pochardkit and half on Fidgetflower’s leg. “I think a nap would do us all some good.” Avocetcloud smiled and leaned into Fidgetflower, licking his shoulder. 

Pressure rose behind Brownleap’s eyes as the mates settled with their kits. She bit back the envious thoughts that threatened to spill out. Instead, she left the den. Her stomach felt heavier with each passing day. 

Just like her belly, the camp was full of life. The sun had moved beyond the opening of the camp, leaving large portions of the camp in shadow, but that was just how CliffClan preferred it. They’d grown up in darkness, after all. Rippedpool was organizing a border patrol with Palescar, Mistpaw, Spottedfoot, and Fowlpaw. Lynxshine and Rollerfall sat by the cave’s open mouth, watching the sea with the strange mystic air that always surrounded seers. Sleettuft told Otterpaw a story near the elder’s den, his tail running across the stone walls of the camp. Brownleap headed towards the camp exit. A pair of blue eyes watched her go.

Brownleap breathed deep as she broke through the surface. The summer sun warmed her thin pelt. She groaned, the stress leaking out, threatening to explode. She wandered around the cliff of her clan and headed towards the beach. Brown paws followed her.

The sea was peaceful as Brownleap slipped around human debris and trash, leaving heavy paw prints in the sand.

“I don’t think you’ll like the sea, little ones,” Brownleap sighed, sitting and stroking her belly. “It’s not in your blood.”

“I know I’m not a counselor,” someone said behind her, “but do you want to talk?” Brownleap jumped. Martenpaw stood by the cliff face, watching quietly.

“You should be named Martenshade,” Brownleap gasped. “I didn’t hear you!”

“Sorry,” Martenpaw stammered. “You seem stressed. Hailbranch said stress can be bad for kits, so I want to make sure you’re alright.”

“I just needed some fresh air,” Brownleap insisted. Martenpaw slipped beside her, paws catching the lapping tide. The two mollies stared at the glimmering water in silence, waiting for the other to speak. Brownleap gave in first.

“I think I made a mistake,” Brownleap admitted. “I’ve rushed my life, and these little ones are going to suffer.” Brownleap stiffened, panic flowing through her throat. “I feel like everyone is judging me.”

“It’s tough to find love in a clan!” Martenpaw assured her, giving a comforting lick to her shoulder. “You don’t have a lot of options. A lot of mollies don’t want to wait for the right tom so they can be a mother. Wasn’t your mother the same way?”

“She never cared for toms,” Brownleap chuckled, voice choked. “I saw Fidgetflower being such a good father, and I realized when my kits open their eyes, they won’t have a father there to celebrate.” Martenpaw leaned against Brownleap, trying to offer a bit of warmth.

“I can’t lie and say I didn’t have that,” Martenpaw sighed. “I had Ashwhisker and Goldenshade. But when I learned they were only raising me, my first memories weren’t as strong. Whoever my parents were, they left me in a cave. They didn’t care enough to see my first steps or the moment I opened my eyes.”

“So you’ll understand,” Brownleap cried softly, a paw digging into the sand. “Their father should be here.”

“If you want your kits to have a father, why did you have kits with a loner?” Martenpaw asked. Brownleap choked on her words. She looked up at the camp above.

“Because their father isn’t a loner,” Brownleap whispered.

“Oh,” Martenpaw hummed. Then she processed the words. “ _ Oh _ .”

* * *

A moon before that conversation by the shore, Brownleap snuck through the territory, leaping over rocks and avoiding the dark mouths of the tunnels. It would have been smarter to travel through the tunnels, but she refused to be underground any longer than she had to. The moon was missing that night, just as it was every night she made this journey. She carried a brown rock in her mouth. Her mind was far away.

She picked up speed when she saw one of the piles of rocks that marked the PuffinClan border. Two sandy brown toms approached the border from the other side. Brownleap nearly choked on her rock. She stopped beside the border, tail high, dropping her rock. She sniffed her pelt. She’d rolled in the chamomile in the Underground Forest until the scent of CliffClan was completely buried. Confident, she stepped across the border.

At the top of the hill, Snailnose saw his love step past the border as though the bonds of their clans meant nothing. His breath caught in his throat. The feather in his mouth tickled his nose. Archpelt stood beside him, smiling.

“Well?” Archpelt purred, nudging his son. “There she is.”

“You can still deny what’s happening if you leave,” Snailnose warned, giving his father a worried look.

“Here’s how I see it,” Archpelt sighed. “In the eyes of the other clans, my love for your mother should be forbidden. PuffinClan is the clan of change. Maybe this can be the first step to a new change. Now go see her.” Archpelt shoved Snailnose forward. Snailnose stumbled down the hill, laughing and dropping his feather. Brownleap smiled as Snailnose collided into her at the base of the hill. The two collapsed into purrs, rubbing against each other. Archpelt grabbed the dropped feather as he joined them by the border.

“Are you sure about this?” Brownleap asked, meeting Snailnose’s gaze.

“Of course I am,” Snailnose purred. “We’re going to change the world, you and I. It starts tonight.” Brownleap nodded. She turned back to the border and snagged her rock, rolling it over the border.

“CliffClan cats propose in caves and share pebbles from that cave during the ceremony,” Brownleap explained. “I grabbed this rock from the border during the morning patrol.” She pushed the rock to Snailnose. “This is for you.”

“I have something too!” Snailnose gasped. He looked around, and his father passed him the feather. Snailnose placed the brown feather at Brownleap’s paws. “It’s a turtle dove feather. We give feathers to those we care about.”

“Like the egret feathers during counselor meetings?” Brownleap asked.

“Exactly!” Snailnose chirped. 

“I’ll put it in my nest,” Brownleap purred.

“If you’re both ready,” Archpelt chuckled, standing beside them both.

“Thank you, Archpelt,” Brownleap sighed, smiling at the old seer.

“You deserve StarClan’s blessing, love,” Archpelt said proudly. He looked to the clear sky. He spoke clearly, but quiet so only the three cats could hear. “I call upon my warrior ancestors to bear witness to the love of Snailnose and Brownleap. They wish to take the bond of mates, to unite their lives as one and continue the legacy of the clans. Snailnose, do you swear to honor the life of Brownleap until she joins the ranks of StarClan, throughout the struggles of clan life?”

“I do,” Snailnose whispered.

“Brownleap,” Archpelt declared, “do you swear to honor the life of Snailnose until he joins the ranks of StarClan, throughout the struggles of clan life?”

“I believe I do,” Brownleap sighed.

“May your lives be long and equal,” Archpelt declared. “May your kits be healthy and prosperous. May you honor PuffinClan  _ and  _ CliffClan with your bond. I declare you mates.” Snailnose and Brownleap touched their noses to one another. Ecstasy flowed through Brownleap. She had a mate! Who could argue about their love now?

“Dad, thank you,” Snailnose gasped, pulling away.

“I’ll leave you be,” Archpelt chuckled. “I’ll cover for you, Snailnose. Good luck.” Archpelt trotted up the hill, tail high in the air. Brownleap practically shook with joy.

“What happens now?” Brownleap asked.

“All part of the plan,” Snailnose purred, wrapping his tail around Brownleap.

“I just,” Brownleap stammered, “we still don’t know if one of us wants to leave our clan and join the other, or if we want to stay in our clans… I don’t want to throw my friends away. And I can’t ask you to leave your family.”

“We’ll figure it out,” Snailnose assured her, nose to her cheek. “That’s what’s so great about this. We get to set the precedent for cross clan love. Maybe we’re allowed to choose a clan for our family. Maybe we can raise our family in our own clans. We can be loyal to both our clans and our family.”

“I don’t want to worry about changing the code tonight,” Brownleap sighed, rubbing against Snailnose. “I just want to be with you.”

“Well then, my mate, what shall we do tonight?” Snailnose chuckled. Brownleap glanced at the long open field that PuffinClan and CliffClan decided would be the border. She smirked.

“Race!” Brownleap giggled. She bolted away, legs propelling her along the border.

“No fair!” Snailnose laughed. He charged after his new mate. The two ran into the night as the stars stared blankly from above.

* * *

“You want to leave CliffClan?” Martenpaw asked. Brownleap sobbed into the sand while Martenpaw’s fur bristled. She shouldn’t be listening to Brownleap’s heavy venting.

“We were going to figure that out!” Brownleap cried. “Whalestar and Lemmingstar hate half clan kits, we weren’t going to start our family until we made cross clan love acceptable.”

“That’s a lot to ask,” Martenpaw groaned.

“Snailnose has big dreams,” Brownleap moaned, shaking her head. “This was an accident. You know what Lemmingstar does to half clan kits, she can’t find out.”

“What does she do?” Martenpaw gasped.

“She,” Brownleap sobbed, “she banishes the kits and their mother.”

“You can’t banish kits, you’re supposed to protect them!” Martenpaw gasped, standing.

“I saw it myself as a kit, Lemmingstar hates them, I don’t know why,” Brownleap cried.

“Please stop crying, I don’t,” Martenpaw stammered, “I don’t know what to do. How can you be loyal to CliffClan when you have loyalties in PuffinClan?”

“We’ve made it work since we were apprentices,” Brownleap stuttered, trying to stop the flood of emotion. “We’re counselors, it’s easy.”

“You can’t ask your kits to be as neutral in a battle,” Martenpaw huffed. “What happens when they have to fight one of his brothers? Do they have to recognize those family ties? Where do you mark the border?”

“Why are you arguing with me?” Brownleap snapped, claws digging into the sand.

“I’m not trying too!” Martenpaw groaned. She kicked a piece of human debris. “How am I supposed to respond to this?”

“Please don’t tell,” Brownleap begged.

“I’m not going to,” Martenpaw huffed. “I don’t snitch. But this is a problem. Does he know?”

“I only found out the night of the Gathering,” Brownleap explained. “We meet during the new moon.”

“Brownleap, that’s tonight,” Martenpaw groaned. “If you leave camp, everyone will be suspicious. They’re already watching you to make sure you aren’t in love with a loner.”

“He’ll ask around if he doesn’t see me,” Brownleap stammered. “They might find out.”

“I’ll go,” Martenpaw said, instantly regretting it. “I’ll tell him what’s happened.” Brownleap’s eyes glimmered.

“You’re so young,” Brownleap groaned. “I shouldn’t have put this on you.”

“We can’t change it,” Martenpaw huffed, “but we can do our best.”

“Thank you,” Brownleap sighed. Martenpaw shook the sand of her pelt.

“I’m a healer,” Martenpaw grunted. “I need to care for these kits. I’ll leave the weird emotional stuff to you.” She looked at the cliff face. “If you don’t go back to camp soon, cats will get suspicious. You have fear scent all over you, you need to get that off.” Brownleap nodded, slowing her panicked breaths. She waded into the ocean, the cool water tickling her belly. “I mean, I was thinking just rolling in the grass, but that works.”

“Has Hailbranch taken you climbing yet?” Brownleap sighed, trying to shake the emotion out of her voice.

“Up a small cliff,” Martenpaw said. The fear scent drifted off Brownleap like blood, fading into the water.

“I need to stretch my legs,” Brownleap huffed, stepping out of the water. “Let’s climb back to camp.”

“You’re expecting kits, what if you fall?” Martenpaw stammered.

“I was named Brownleap for my expert climbing,” Brownleap sighed. “Trust me, I’ll be okay. I’m not that pregnant.” Brownleap headed to the cliff face. She pressed herself against the rock while her paws searched for small ledges. She carefully pulled herself up, her weight shifting awkwardly. In Martenpaw’s eyes, she was floating up the cliff, walking on hidden paths upwards.

“Trust your paws,” Brownleap advised. “You need to dig into the ledges and let your paw pads absorb into the stone.” Martenpaw bit back a sharp retort. Brownleap was one to talk considering she was sobbing only a few minutes ago. Who was she to teach Martenpaw anything? Martenpaw stuck her feet into the thicker ledge Brownleap used to climb up. Taking a deep breath, she began her climb.

Back inside the camp, Avocetcloud was itching to move. Fidgetflower had fallen asleep on her leg with Pochardkit and Milkkit curled in his chest. Perchkit was the only one still with her. Avocetcloud gently nudged Perchkit to her father. She instinctively curled beside him. Slowly, Avocetcloud pulled her leg out from under her mate. Fidgetflower plopped down and licked his lips. He seemed to still be asleep. Avocetcloud stepped over Fidgetflower and left the den with the remains of her meal.

“I’ll bury that for you!” Lightpaw appeared out of nowhere, standing beside Avocetcloud. Her heart raced for a moment before she realized who was there.

“You’re a helpful apprentice, aren’t you?” Avocetcloud sighed, dropping her bat.

“Fidgetflower loves spending time with you, so I try to keep busy!” Lightpaw explained, grabbing the bat. She trotted out of camp, leaving Avocetcloud behind. The new mother looked around. Surely there was someone she could share tongues with. Perhaps Grebeshine? They were both story-keepers, after all. But she was talking with Briarpaw by the apprentice’s den. Besides, they hadn’t spoken much; just as Grebeshine left the nursery, Avocetcloud went in. There was one other molly whom she spent time in the nursery with…

Goldenshade sat quietly beside Beaverstone at the edge of the warrior’s den. The muscular story-keeper had a small vole resting between his paws. He grimaced at the fresh kill.

“I’d be more comfortable with a bat,” he muttered.

“Fighting hunter’s guilt means having bigger and bigger meals,” Goldenshade explained. “I’m sure you can eat it. It’s only a little bigger than a bat.”

“Goldenshade,” Avocetcloud said, approaching the pair. “I need to stretch my legs, but I know how Lemmingstar feels about nursing queens wandering outside camp without an escort. Would you accompany me?”

“Of course, after I…” Goldenshade sighed. When she glanced back at Beaverstone, he was gone. He dropped his vole onto the fresh kill pile and headed for the cave opening, just as Brownleap and Martenpaw climbed into camp. Goldenshade groaned, glaring at Beaverstone as he slipped out of view. She would have to talk with him later. “I suppose I am free now.”

“Wonderful,” Avocetcloud sighed. Goldenshade led the way out of camp, glancing over her shoulder to make sure Avocetcloud followed.

“Where is it you want to go?” Goldenshade asked as they breached the surface.

“The Hollow-Roofed Cave,” Avocetcloud muttered. “It’s a good walk away.”

“Who’s watching your kits?” Goldenshade asked as the two mollies started their walk.

“Fidgetflower is sleeping with them,” Avocetcloud explained. “They’ll be fine. I’m exhausted.”

“I can imagine,” Goldenshade sighed. “Nursing Honeypaw and Lightpaw took a lot out of me. I can’t imagine what three kits would be like. Though, I imagine Ashwhisker and I will have another litter at some point.”

“All Milkkit does is nurse,” Avocetcloud groaned, “Pochardkit won’t stop squealing, and I had to force Perchkit away from me to go on this walk.”

“You’ll miss the days they were so quiet,” Goldenshade assured her, chuckling. “Do you imagine you’ll have another litter?”

“StarClan no,” Avocetcloud stammered. “I didn’t even want this one.” Goldenshade stared at Avocetcloud, hopping onto a rock to look down on her. Avocetcloud quickly realized she should not have said that. With a twitch of her whiskers, she sighed, “Before you complete your counselor duties, you need to know I’m not as young as I used to be. If I didn’t have kits when I first became mates with Fidgetflower, why would I plan on them now? There’s nothing I can do about it, it happened.”

“Plenty of cats have kits by surprise, but few say they don’t want them,” Goldenshade huffed.

“I can’t change that,” Avocetcloud snapped with a flick of her tail. “I never said I hate the little things. I just don’t want to be a mother.”

“You can’t abandon them!” Goldenshade hissed, climbing off the rock.

“Who said I was abandoning them?” Avocetcloud groaned. “I’m going to raise them, I can’t do anything else.” She walked past Goldenshade, fur bristling. “Now are we going to the Hollow-Roofed Cave?”

“Do you love your kits?” Goldenshade grunted, running in front of Avocetcloud.

“How am I supposed to love something that’s only been around for half a moon?” Avocetcloud hissed. “Maybe I’ll love them, I don’t know!”

“A mother’s bond with her kits is supposed to be instant,” Goldenshade grumbled.

“Well it isn’t for me!” Avocetcloud yowled. “I don’t know what you want, you’re supposed to listen to me, not berate me!” Goldenshade tried to lower her slowly rising hackles.

“Families are a sensitive topic for me,” Goldenshade grumbled, sitting. “Does Fidgetflower know how you feel?”

“He’d be heartbroken,” Avocetcloud sighed. “He loves our kits. He’s wanted to be a father since he got his warrior name. Thinks it was a sign from StarClan.”

“If your feelings don’t change, you should tell him,” Goldenshade huffed. “Ashwhisker confessed his nerves of fatherhood to me when I was a queen. Talking to your mate—”  
“We can’t all have the perfect relationship, Goldenshade,” Avocetcloud grunted. Goldenshade lost her words for a moment. “Ashwhisker this and Ashwhisker that, yes yes we know. You two were made for each other. You never disagree—”

“We disagree on many things,” Goldenshade interrupted.

“You’ve never had a fight,” Avocetcloud pointed out.

“We don’t fight because we respect each other,” Goldenshade grunted.

“So I don’t respect Fidgetflower?” Avocetcloud snapped.

“If you respect him, then tell him how you feel,” Goldenshade sighed, placing a paw on Avocetcloud’s chest, shoving down the frustration that burned in her gut. “What you do right now will affect your kits for the rest of their lives.”

“That is exactly why I didn’t want them,” Avocetcloud hissed, pulling away. “I’m continuing my walk whether you come or not.” Avocetcloud trudged past Goldenshade, ears flattening as her milk-rich belly brushed against rocks. 

Goldenshade breathed deep. Angry rants flowed through her head. She did not run ahead of Avocetcloud, but merely copied her pace to walk alongside her. Awkward, thoughtful silence hung between the two mothers all the way to the Hollow-Roofed Cave.

* * *

Martenpaw watched Hailbranch, Rollerfall, and Lynxshine breathe gently that night, curled in their nests. She stood still, blue eyes shining in the dark. The ocean outside rumbled and tossed the debris from the beach into the cliff face. Everyone else in the camp was asleep. If she was going to keep her promise to Brownleap, she had to head out now.

The den wall was full of crevices that Hailbranch used to store her herbs. Martenpaw slipped around Rollerfall to examine the stores. They were low on… was that rush or fragrant bedstraw? It didn’t matter, either would serve as an excuse should she get caught. She had to leap over Lynxshine, who slept in front of the den. Regrets running through her head, Martenpaw headed for the tunnel exit. How would she get Snailnose to listen to her? Would she have to worry about her scent drifting over the border? What about Snailnose’s scent?

“Martenpaw?” someone asked at the outside of the camp. Martenpaw looked around. Buzzardear was standing guard, with Briarpaw on the other side of the entrance half asleep. How did she forget about the nighttime guards?

“Lovely night for some herb collection, Buzzardear?” Martenpaw chuckled, forcing her paws to keep walking.

“I wouldn’t know,” Buzzardear said with a shrug. “Briarpaw, wake up.”

“I’m not asleep!” Briarpaw stammered, jumping up and shaking out his head.

“Is Hailbranch coming with you?” Buzzardear asked.

“She wants me to try collecting herbs alone,” Martenpaw called, refusing to stop. “Call it a test!” The young apprentice hurried off before Buzzardear could question her further.

The PuffinClan border was far from camp, which made it a long run for a young cat like Martenpaw. She ran through each patch of tall grass and herbs she saw, hoping to get rid of her scent. She remembered Rippedpool had assigned Buzzardear and his apprentice for guarding camp until moonhigh, which meant the moonhigh patrols wouldn’t be out yet. CliffClan was as active at night as they were during the day, but at least they didn’t wander about.

At the border, Snailnose was getting impatient. Brownleap was rarely late. She usually got to the border before him! So where was she? The only cats he could smell were the patrols from either clan during sunset. No, that wasn’t true. The wind blew a fresh scent towards him. A CliffClan cat, but not Brownleap. Snailnose panicked. He sat and started grooming furiously. He belonged by the border, he was a counselor.

Martenpaw climbed up a short ledge and saw Snailnose waiting by the border. She quickly looked around. No one else nearby.

“Snailnose,” Martenpaw called. Snailnose looked up, trying to act casual. What was the healer apprentice doing out?

“Hello, Martenpaw,” Snailnose chirped as she approached the border. “I was waiting for the moonhigh patrol.”

“Cut the act, Brownleap sent me,” Martenpaw huffed, sitting on her side of the border. Any false pretenses faded from Snailnose’s face.

“Is she hurt?” Snailnose gasped. “She wouldn’t tell a stranger if she wasn’t hurt.”

“Snailnose—” Martenpaw tried to explain.

“Who hurt her?” Snailnose growled.

“Snailnose, she’s fine,” Martenpaw snapped. “She couldn’t leave camp without raising suspicion.”

“Who else knows?” Snailnose gasped, tail tucking under his flank.

“No one,” Martenpaw sighed.

“Then why isn’t she here?” Snailnose snapped, claws out.

“Snailnose, she can’t come because she’s a queen now,” Martenpaw grunted, trying to keep her temper. Snailnose’s anger quickly warped into something unrecognizable as his ears and tail dropped.

“I…” Snailnose stammered. “A queen? She’s expecting kits?”

“She didn’t have them last moon, so I assume so,” Martenpaw grumbled.

“Who’s the father?” Snailnose asked, hurt cracking his voice.

“For the love of StarClan, are all PuffinClan toms this dense?” Martenpaw groaned, shaking her head. “You are, you mouse-brain!” Snailnose blinked.

“What?” he whispered.

“You. Are. The. Father,” Martenpaw repeated slowly. Snailnose blinked again. 

“I’m…” he muttered. He blinked and didn’t open his eyes again. Instead, he fell backwards.

“Dear StarClan,” Martenpaw grumbled, rolling her eyes. Was she supposed to help him? What could she do? She settled for the simple option. She rapid-fire batted at his leg, grunting, “Wake up.” Snailnose scrambled up.

“How long was I out?” Snailnose stammered.

“You’re pathetic,” Martenpaw sighed.

“I’m a father,” Snailnose gasped, paw to his chest.  
“Yes, and now Brownleap’s panicked that her kits won’t grow up with one,” Martenpaw explained.

“Tell her she can join me!” Snailnose declared with a smile. “We can live in PuffinClan together. My family will support us.”

“You can’t expect her to give up her life in CliffClan,” Martenpaw snapped. “She has siblings and friends. Lynxshine would be heartbroken. Her mother is buried there!”

“We thought we’d have more time,” Snailnose explained, pacing up and down the border.

“The stress isn’t good for her kits,” Martenpaw huffed. “You need to come up with a solution you both would agree to, for their sake.” Snailnose laid down, brow furrowed in thought.

“We want our love to be accepted by the clans,” Snailnose muttered.

“I don’t really care,” Martenpaw snapped. “The main problem is that she wants you to be involved with your kits and their lives.”

“If we tell the clans…” Snailnose hummed.

“Okay, I’m no story-keeper,” Martenpaw interrupted, “but this is literally the worst time to reveal your secret. I’ve never heard a story where mates have kits and reveal their relationship and everything ends well.”

“You’re a sassy apprentice, aren’t you?” Snailnose grumbled.

“My mentor taught me not to put up with dumb ideas,” Martenpaw said proudly.

“Then how about this?” Snailnose huffed, sitting up. “I’m a counselor. If I can find reasons to lead counselor patrols into your camp, I can visit my kits.”

“What reasons do counselors go to other camps?” Martenpaw asked. “Don’t they just meet at the border?”

“Complex deals,” Snailnose said dismissively, “war declarations, things that the deputy and leader would benefit from hearing.” Snailnose nodded to himself and stood. “Martenpaw, can you tell Brownleap that I have a plan to see our kits and be in their lives? At least while they’re in the nursery.”

“It’s not the worst idea,” Martenpaw admitted. “Just don’t go declare war on CliffClan.”

“I won’t,” Snailnose chuckled. “Thank you. Really. I know this is risky.”

“I want these kits healthy and, you know, alive,” Martenpaw sighed. “Hailbranch said stress can actually kill kits.”

“Then you’ll tell her?” Snailnose asked.

“Yes, yes,” Martenpaw huffed, dismissively waving a paw. “You should go back to camp. It’s late.”

“Your kindness won’t be forgotten!” Snailnose declared. He smiled and sprinted across PuffinClan territory, ears high and tail straight.

“I’m smarter than two counselors combined,” Martenpaw muttered, turning back to home.

Two green eyes watched Martenpaw head away from the border from inside one of the many tunnels in the territory. Their pupils narrowed, and they slipped into the dark.

* * *

Martenpaw wasn’t the only one who couldn’t sleep. Avocetcloud watched her tiny sleeping kits with bleary eyes. They looked peaceful. One of Milkkit’s ears was flipped inside out. Avocetcloud gently licked it back into place.

“I don’t hate you,” Avocetcloud insisted quietly. “No matter what Goldenshade says. But I never wanted you.” Perchkit squirmed deeper under Avocetcloud’s leg. “I’m going to ruin your lives.” She needed to love these kits, for Fidgetflower’s sake. At least her love for him was unquestionable. How could she make herself love them?

“I can’t,” she muttered. “I can’t do it.” Maybe the question she should ask herself was how could she traumatize them the least?

Carefully, she lifted a paw to Perchkit’s chin. She poked the tiny thing. She only squirmed closer to her mother. She rubbed the back of her paw down Perchkit’s body. Perchkit yawned. The tips of Avocetcloud’s claws emerged.

“Great StarClan,” Avocetcloud gasped, scrambling to the exit. Perchkit squealed, searching for her mother. Pochardkit whined too, though Milkkit stayed asleep. Perchkit squished her face together. Her eyes fluttered open and met her mother’s horrified face.

“I don’t want to hurt you!” Avocetcloud gasped. She backed out of the nursery. She shook her head, trying to get the thoughts out. She truly didn’t love her kits, did she? Not if she thought of them—

Avocetcloud looped around the nursery. She stopped at the scarred stone wall. She scraped her claws down the side, stuffing the pointy edges into crevices and blunting them down. The terrible fear slunk away as her claws grew shorter. She didn’t stop until both her paws had short, blunt claws. They wouldn’t harm anyone.

Avocetcloud stood outside the nursery, staring at the warrior’s den. Unknown and unspeakable words flowed through her head. She sighed, and turned into the nursery. Brownleap lifted her head, tired eyes blinking slowly.

“Go back to sleep,” Avocetcloud sighed. “I was just making dirt.” Brownleap sighed and laid back down. Avocetcloud settled beside her kits. She pushed all three of her daughters close to her belly.

“I’ll try to love you,” Avocetcloud promised. “I’ll try to be better. I won’t hurt you. I won’t.” 

The voice in her head said otherwise.


End file.
